Parenting Hack: Relationship vs Expectations

Build a better relationship with your kids.

This is an exercise I do with most of my kiddos and teens, and it involves just the slightest bit of math. Take a blank paper and draw a vertical line, this is the relationship line. Place 10 dashes on the line, giving us our scale of 1-10 with 10 as the best relationship in your life and 1 being someone who you have no relationship with at all. 

We will use the american psychological association definition of a relationship : “a continuing and often committed association between two or more people, as in a family, friendship, marriage, partnership, or other interpersonal link in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other's thoughts, feelings, and actions.”

Now draw a horizontal line along the bottom of the page, this is labeled expectations and we will put our 10 dash scale on again with 1 being no expectations and 10 being the most expectations placed on you. When the expectations are high, and the relationship low then there is conflict in the relationship. 

How do you improve this? Take a relationship first approach. Consciously choose to build relationships (going on outings, join your teen in something they like, ask for their input, ect) rather than focus on the expectations (explaining why you have the expectation, chore charts, ect). 

For example, if your child is refusing to clean their room, ask them to come downstairs and play a game with you. Then revisit the request to clean their room. Usually after the relationship building the child is more likely to do what is asked.